Yet · another · foolish · endeavor

I confess: I am a completely amateur Burns Night enthusiast; entirely self-taught in its traditions.  With that much admitted, I must also say that we had a rollicking good time, experts on the ceremony or not!  As far as I can tell, only a few things are technically required, and they are as follows:
1) Scotch whisky
2) Haggis
3) A love of poetry
4) A love of Scotland
5) An appreciation of Robert Burns

What the participants in my own party knew about Robert Burns could fit in a thimble, but we had items 1-4 in spades.  We started things off properly (read: with the whisky), and located an album of our favourite Scottish music to provide accompaniment to the evening.  There was a recitation of a traditional bit of fun called the Selkirk Grace before the meal, as well as another traditional Scottish blessing we found.  Dinner included a decidedly non-traditional salad, but also featured haggis and mash.  My older brother, in his best effort at a Scottish accent, recited Burns' "On A Haggis" and even plunged a knife into it at the appropriate moment.  Sadly, my experience with haggis has been tarnished.  While at a restaurant in Edinburgh, haggis was delicious and revelatory and a gleeful adventure into the locale.  The haggis that can be had for cheap in Arizona comes in a can and bears an unfortunate resemblance to dog food, in both appearance and smell (which, as we have been told by science, has an effect on the taste).  I did my best to enjoy it, my younger brother (who was in Edinburgh with me and eager for more of the lovely stuff) also ate with gusto.  The rest of the revelers approached the dish with more caution, and treated it with an almost inadvisable amount of gravy.  Since the canned disappointment needed the gravy, I didn't offer any remarks.  There was also Scotch, which helped.  We found a blessing for after the meal, and duly read it after we'd finished eating.

After dinner was more Scotch, and my reading of the poem that the Internet told me was standard for Burns Night, Tam O'Shanter.  I found out that the reason it is standard is largely connected to the amount of alcohol being drunk during this celebration, as this made the poem both more amusing and more pointed (it included the moral of not drinking too much, but featured a large number of centuries-old Scottish colloquialisms that were nearly impossible to decipher).

After that, things took a less traditional turn, as it was Monday and we are all obsessed with the television show "The Big Bang Theory," which airs on Monday nights.  We watched it together, and soothed our guilty consciences with tea and Scottish-style shortbread.  Following that, it was time to go home and get to bed, because the alarm clock is no respecter of alcohol consumed or fun had.

Overall, I'm sure we missed out on some of the more important parts of Burns Night, such as a large sampling of his poetry or any talk whatsoever of Burns.  But a wonderful time was had by all, and I'm sure that Burns would have appreciated the idea of family and friends gathering together to celebrate their Scottish heritage and keep some of its traditions alive.  Actually, since I know nothing about Burns, it's just as likely that he was a horrible narcissist and he'd be gravely offended that we used his night for our own purposes.  Either way, I had a lovely evening.

I immediately went out and purchased a biography of Robert Burns, and I'm on the lookout for a collection of his poetry.  Next year, January 25th is going to be huge.

Plus my kitchen is clean, my scrapbooking project has made leaps and bounds this weekend, and I had a short workday.  Also, I have Guiness Extra Stout in my hand and episodes of xxxHOLiC to watch.  All in all, I do not think my life can get any better.

I'm in::	my room!
I'm Feeling::	content
I'm Listening To::	opening sequence of xxxHOLiC...

Bummed out today, people.  Just bummed out.  But I have a glimmer of hope, that today's disaster will spark some serious efforts from charities around the world to improve the lives of the Haitian people.  You can't understand that type of poverty unless you've seen it, and I've seen it.  Maybe the international attention can do some good.

I'm Feeling::	sad
I'm Listening To::	MGMT

WARNING: THIS IS A RANT. FEEL FREE TO NOT READ IT.

Today, I hate fanfiction. Why, people? Why? The ridiculous situations that arise in fanfiction are baffling to me. I get that fanfiction is unregulated, slightly voyeuristic, and by definition is a license to do whatever the hell you want. But (silly me!) I've always operated under the impression that one should still keep some kind of grip on reality. The characters which the fanfiction author is using have already been established by the real author, and while one may play with them, one may not do things with them that make no fucking sense.  One may also not excuse ludicrously bad grammar and spelling by throwing in a note saying that one is sorry.  If you can't write, then don't write.  (Although, if the author is that close to illiteracy, it may excuse their inability to have any kind of standard, seeing as they were incapable of reading the damn story upon which their work is based.)  If you really think your craptastic idea is so good that it must be visited upon the world, get some other poor sap who's learned fifth-grade vocabulary to do it for you.

Things I hate more than anything:

Corporal punishment— have you ever heard of an adult, or even a teenager, being spanked for a transgression?  No, me either.  You know why?  Because no one in their right mind would put a person over the age of ten over their knee.  It's just plain old creepy.  Like I said, fanfiction is the place to break rules, and I understand that, but can we attempt at least some semblance of common sense?  Who the fuck would sit still for that?

Really long hair— teenaged fangirls may feel free to write creepy erotic slash fiction.  Knock yourselves out.  But you might want to observe an actual gay person once before you begin.  They don't all have weirdly long hair.  In fact, most of them don't.  Long hair is notoriously difficult to care for / make look good.  If you're not working within an anime involving characters who already have long hair, then find some other way of denoting a slightly feminine personality.  Please.

Author commentary within story— What the hell?  I mean, really?  You're writing a story and suddenly you feel the need to point out that you (squee!) think your character is hot?  My god, have you ever read a book before you decided to write your own?  If we hadn't got the clue about how you felt from your joyful, 2-page long description, you could try inserting it into the dialogue.  That's how idiots who somehow became professional authors write their masturbations down.  (Tip if you're ever going to—God forbid—go pro: real authors don't always agree with / like what's taking place in their work. But they keep it to themselves and tell the story anyway.)  Your gleeful, plot-less outpouring doesn't need your commentary to convey your opinions, and if you absolutely must have them . . . just put them at the bottom.  As in, not in the middle of your shoddy excuse for a narrative.

Male pregnancy— Has indeed become a reality among current affairs in our world.  Sort of.  But he was born with the parts.  They did not just appear like magic out of thin air so that a mouth-breathing 13-year-old girl could raputurously describe the TLC offered by the un-pregnant partner in the relationship.  Here's a tip: in real life, most husbands of pregnant wives will stand on the other side of the door when she's got morning sickness, queasily calling out "You okay in there, honey?  I told you not to put pickles on your Special K."  Here's another tip: the idea of a dude breast-feeding an infant makes any sane person run screaming the other way, and breast-feeding generally follows pregnancy.  You might want to go with adoption.

Weird dialogue— have you ever heard anyone talk in that fashion?  Excessive formality and excessive use of run-on sentences are equally offensive, here.  Pretty much everyone in the world has grasped the use of contractions, so there's no reason your character shouldn't.  Everyone in the world also tends to stop for breath once in a while, so you may want to consider allowing your character to do that, too.

ANYTHING crossed-over with Twilight— NO.  JUST FUCKING NO.

There is much more I could say, but won't.  I'm all for freedom of expression, and I'm quite a supporter of fanfiction as an enterprise.  So carry on with your creepy pairings, your insane plot twists, and so on.  Voyeurism is an accepted part of the whole thing, so I can't complain about it beyond the jaw-dropping lack of transition from hatred to hawt sexxxx that seems so common.  Introducting concepts not found in the original material is exactly what fanfiction is about, so cheers to that.  Just . . . just try one thing for me: pretend this is taking place in the house next door to you.  If you saw it, would you call the police?  Would you laugh out loud?  Would you have a brain meltdown from trying to wrap your mind around it?  If the answer is "yes," you may want to investigate a little something called "believability."  You may also want to invite someone other than you to read your dialogue aloud.  If they can't, consider writing your character's speech in a way that's recognizably human.

I'm Feeling::

aggravated

After this foray into the wonderful world of fan-made music videos, I had the most random thought . . .

A series of movie clips about Severus Snape should be set to "Creep" by Radiohead. It would be teh lulz.

Well.  It half-worked.  I've drunk a significant portion of the Malbec.  Unfortunately, not feeling significantly sleepy.  *sigh*  My sleep, and myself, I must consider a lost cause...

I'm Feeling::

drunk

Especially VAMPIRE Fai with the eyepatch.

Hawt.  Kinda too bad he's not, y'know, REAL . . .

I'm Feeling::

lonely